Commitment

Dear God… I am afraid. I am so terrified. Do I have to? Is this really where my life was headed all along? I feel like an eccentric, and I’m sure that’s how I will be seen! I don’t want to be seen. Isn’t there something I can do where I can stay hidden in the shadows? Maybe I can put my inspirations out there anonymously. Maybe I could stay unknown. Will the benefit of this be worth it? What will I suffer because of this? Will my family disown me? What about my friends? There are so many people I care about that could absolutely turn their back on me. How could I touch people’s hearts without revealing my complete self? How can I compromise a bit and not have to be out in the open?

This has been the dialogue in my head over and over. Lately I have come to a new level of frustration and irritability in my life. This morning as I was talking with God, I was shown that this is due in part to my unwillingness to take action more than I already have. I have been unwilling to go all in. I’ve been afraid that some of the things I will say and share and do will make some people unhappy. And some of those people are very dear to me. They are wonderful people who have been an encouragement to me. I don’t want to offend. It’s the last thing I want.

But this morning after I was shown that, it makes all the sense in the world. I have to let go and go all in. There’s been a verse in the Bible that has been on my heart a lot lately, “Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it.” (Luke 17:33) I guess there’s been a reason I’ve been thinking of that. And the thought of “counting the cost” has been there too. I don’t think I’ve ever had to do that as much as I have had to now. Becoming one of the crowd was easy. But this? It’s not a small thing to step into your calling with abandon knowing it will very likely upset and offend people you love. That, to me, is costly. Also, that is losing my life to find it. Countless people in history have done this. Do you think they regretted it when they got to the end of their life? Do you think they weren’t taken care of by the Most High? I doubt it.

In the last few years I have dug deep. Something has spurred me on into asking question upon question. I guess it was the belief that the truth will stand, no matter how hard it is questioned. And I found that to be true. So many of my core beliefs and identities came under question. Some didn’t stand. A few did, and I took refuge there. It has been a stripping away, letting this go, letting that go, and I’m still working at it. I’ve found that if something doesn’t give me chills or a deep settled peace or a burst of joy, it probably isn’t true. There is so much noise these days - “Do this. Take this course. Read this book. Watch this video. Follow this person. The truth is here, no there. We have the truth, they don’t. We’re right, they’re wrong. Unless you believe this way, you’re damned.” Let it all fall away. Yes, there is a lot of good, and I have learned so much from so many. But I have come to this place - “The whole truth will not be found with any group or person. It was meant to be found deep within you when you connect completely in full surrender to the Light of God ALONE. “And you will KNOW the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Like that. A KNOWING, where you feel it resonate and ring through your being. Not something you were told or read or heard. When a truth becomes your very own, settled deep inside and rooted down, then you KNOW it.

I have dug deep, and I’ve only begun. But I’ve already realized the more I learn the less I know. I can only speak from my own experience. Do your own digging, ask questions, learn your own truth. Some will discourage this, say it is dangerous. But if your heart is sincere and your faith is in God alone, you will be fine. Asking questions is dangerous to belief systems sometimes. But I don’t want to submit to a belief system that can’t be questioned. I want to be able to ask hard and searching questions. And I want ONLY truth. If my truth can’t hold up to those kind of questions, I want to let it go. It’s costly, but I know deep within me that it is worth it.

I feel like I’ve said some of this before. I’m embarrassed by that. I think I’ve been in this “stalled out” stage for a while. I’m not proud of that. I’ve looked for complete clarity before I step forward, but I am understanding that is not a walk of faith. I won’t get it all right. I’ll flub up and say things I’ll have to go back on. I’ll change my mind. I’ll have to keep questioning and putting my truth under the light for examination all my life. That’s what it’s all about. To grow and grow. If I never do that, I’ll never grow. If I don’t allow God to lead me into more and more, my life will be stagnant. I am being shown that so clearly now. What’s right for me isn’t exactly what is right for you. Please, sift everything I say through your own truth-o-meter. Find where your heart and soul are most at peace. Very likely it will be in a place of letting go, trust, and surrender.

I dedicate the rest of my life to God of all creation and the highest Truth of all. I open my life to the Light of God. Let is stream into every single nook and cranny of who I am, seen and unseen. Let it flip my tables upside down and lead me into unknown places where I know I’m safe because the Light is with me.