Here I Am…

I am sitting here listening to a memorial service for Mr. Charlie Kirk. As most of you know, the story is that this young man was taken from this life by a gunshot wound. A modern-day martyr, putting his life on the line for what he stood for. There has been so much sensation around this happening… Good, bad, love, inspiration, reverence, hate, anger, sadness, in fact, almost any reaction and emotional high or low known to man. Whatever is true in this happening, let it be true. Whatever is false, let it be false. Use this happening as a stepping stone in your life. I shall try to do the same… Let Charlie be Charlie. You be you. The you God planned for you to be.

I shall not lie in this post. I want to be real. I find great comfort in things when they are that way. When things are stripped down to where I know what I am looking at is real. It is the bottom line. I have lately been in what you might call a slump. Not sure what I’m here for. Thought I was getting somewhere, but all at once realizing I still have so far to go. There have been some long-standing things in my life - skeletons in the closet? Not sure if that’s what I’d call them. I wasn’t hiding them, I just didn’t know what to do with them. I have been feeling the gentle call to look into these things more. Like Someone wants me to know that I’m okay checking into these things. Like this Someone wants to be right beside me while I do, and wants to teach me things while I do it. And I have a pretty good idea that this Someone wants to teach me more about LOVE. True love, God’s love, agape love. Look up “agape love” and how it relates to the love spoken about in the Bible. It’s very fascinating.

I have done stupid things. I’ve lived my life being good, yes. But disconnected from myself somewhat and now I am realizing how disconnected from true love I have been. Last night I began to open my heart to how I have tried to control my environment and the people around me so that I could feel “safe”. Deep down I have been afraid to surrender completely into love, afraid because I have been afraid that if I do, I’ll lose myself, or be consumed, or disappear. Somehow I believed that love was when you became nothing and made it all about keeping the people around you happy. That made me afraid of love - not afraid of my version of love, where I was in control, managing people’s emotions and softening the atmosphere around me, taking on responsibility for the whole environment around me and trying to steer it in a direction where I could feel safe. This was done in a way that looked ever so righteous, and it was not done for sinister reasons, but it was done because I was AFRAID. Afraid to surrender, afraid to trust, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to stand alone, and most of all - afraid of being rejected because of who I was. That, I believe, has been my core fear - REJECTION. Rejection from God, people, parents, siblings, friends, spouse, children, even rejection from myself.

You know, sometimes God lets us experience a little bit of what we are afraid of just to let us know we’ll be okay anyway. Or He lets us feel it so we choose something different. There is something about fearing something that actually draws it to us. Like that saying “What you resist, persists.” On some levels I have faced some rejection, and it has hurt, yes. But I think God is telling me that it’s ok. The only rejection that really matters is if He rejects me, and He will NEVER do that. “Nothing will separate us from the love of God.” Nothing. Because it is in me. And you. And everyone. If we choose to reject that part of us, that is the worst type of rejection there is. Then we reject ourselves and the presence of God in us. And so, there is no need to fear rejection from outside of us. It is of no effect, really. Yes, it will hurt, and you will be heart-broken. But has it separated you from God? No. So many of us know this to be true. In those moments, God’s love shines brighter. The path gets clearer. Our heart sings louder.

Today I want to open my heart to understanding more about how I have tried to control love… I want to learn more about true love.

I’ve really tried to be perfect, you know. Speak right, act right, appear right, not too loud, not too flashy, not too sloppy, and on and on. At times I’ve thought I’m pretty on target. Other times I feel awful about myself. I am seeing more and more how human I really have been. It’s like the facade keeps falling away more and more. I am getting the message that I can’t do things anymore to cover up what’s really there. Like if I wear the right thing or say the right things I can keep myself from being questioned and then keep people liking me. I did not know how deep this root was in me, and I don’t think I know yet. I am praying for this to be revealed to me more and more. I am getting the drift that as I show up in the world, it needs to be as a woman on a journey, not a woman who has arrived. As I can accept this about myself, I can accept the same thing in others. That can be the hardest with the people right around me.

Just today I had a conversation with one of my children. There’s been a lot of frustration and anger showing itself lately and part of me has been so disappointed and sad and wants to turn the other way and run. I sat down and asked this dear child of mine where they thought this was coming from. They started telling me about a fear they have of the future. It made total sense, and now I have sympathy, and some direction for going forward. This child is on a journey, just like me. We are on a journey and happen to be traveling side by side. Can I surrender to loving this child as they are? Or do I need to change them and manipulate them into perfect behavior so I can have the illusion that there is love present? What happens to the fear this child holds if I do that? And believe me, I have taken the second approach many times!

And so, here I am… Not perfect, on a journey (finding out I’m not nearly as far along on it as I thought I was), humbled, feeling like a babe, wondering how far back I need to go to start over on some things.

The pastor in church today read this scripture - “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Let this be my life, I pray…

RCY