Mothering Musings

I was only 21, and carrying our first child, a little girl. We had chosen her name, I was walking 2 miles every day, the pregnancy was literally so easy I thought I could handle many of them. One day Kiana Leigh entered our lives, a perfectly beautiful little girl. Everything went great, and we were off to the races of parenthood! Two years later a little boy of our dreams, Keller Wayne came along. Jaxon Merle joined in a little less than 4 years, another bouncing baby boy! The circle was complete with Ambree Christine arriving another 4 years later. In those last 8 years or so I struggled with chronic health issues, making it not quite so convenient to have those “many pregnancies”. But I’m not thinking of that for this article… It’s something else harder to explain… Let’s see if I can manage it so you can get a small picture of what is on my heart.

This all comes by observation later on, years later, in fact. At 21 I was happy and felt ready to be a mother. Something inside me was reaching for it, and a void was filled by the arrival of our first little girl. I do remember feeling though that I wondered where the deep, deep feelings of love were. I felt love, but somehow it felt like part of what could be there was blocked from me. Looking back, I see how I was in fear and disconnected from myself. I was people-pleasing and orchestrating my life according to how I perceived the people around me would like it. I see now how my spirit wasn’t free, and I was looking at the world through tinted glasses. My child became an extension of that. This is the point of this article:

I unconsciously felt that my children were an extension of my people-pleasing self. I looked at them and interacted with them with this fear constantly in place. I focused on the things that needed correcting, the things that weren’t good enough. I felt like if I didn’t keep everything in check and didn’t correct all the things I thought needed to be corrected that they would end up a disaster.

I wish I could do it over… I wish I could go back and notice and delight in their childish foolishness. I wish I could embrace the imperfection. I wish I could look past the things that needed fixing and see their own unique personality qwerks. I wish I could have been aware from little on up of Kiana’s fierce determination and independence. I wish I could have seen it as something that was going to take her places in life and not as something to root out.

Maybe I would notice that underneath Keller’s easy-going self there was a lot of feelings. Maybe I could have been more alive with him and cultivated and connected more with his true self instead of forming and molding him into a little obedient boy who asked no questions.

I wish I would have held Jaxon and rocked him to sleep instead of training him to do it himself. I was so exhausted that I didn’t know how I could handle another year of little sleep at night. So I turned to the “baby-wise” method, and it worked. I didn’t know how deeply sensitive he was, this little blonde-haired baby of mine. I didn’t know he was so attuned to details.

I’m thankful I have realized some of this while Ambree is still young. But I wish even now that I could realize more that some of her emotional ups and downs just need a big container from me. They don’t need to be shut down, because that will dim her light.

It’s so fun as a mother to start to see more and more the unique talents, gifts, traits, strengths, and weaknesses that each of my children carry. It’s such a relief to stop trying to fit them into a mold. But first I have had to let go of the mold for myself. The more I can give myself the freedom to release my fears, the more I release fear around my children and can see them for who they really are.

God has helped change the way I see my children, and I believe He has helped me start to take off the glasses. I no longer hold the over-arching fear of how my children will turn out. I no longer am scanning for things that need fixing in them. I am more able to laugh with them, have fun, and be okay with imperfection. I still slip into the old ways at times, and I feel like I have a long ways to go with shifting into a totally healthy and thriving place with this all, but I am SO SO thankful to be this far.

I love every one of my children, and I am proud of who they are. I look on them with delight now, and can’t believe how blessed I am to have these beautiful souls as my children. They are not perfect, but I can see the goodness in each of their hearts. I see their core desire to be a good person. I see the challenges they carry, and as I look forward into their lives I have a little bit of an idea of the weaknesses they’ll carry all their lives.. I want them always to have a home to come home to. I want a place where they can show up authentic, without a mask on. I want arguments and debates that can be settled without shame (still working on that!). I want laughter and fun. I want simple joys. I want them to set out on a life of exploration, and I want whatever they go through to give them the opportunity to learn more about who they are and what life is all about. I want to release them to the world this way, instead of having their ideas and beliefs cinched up in a neat little box where they will try to cram in all their experiences. Life won’t fit in those little boxes, and it would cause them confusion, frustration, and pain. I’d like them to first be settled in who they are, and know they are safe first. Then to go out with an open heart, living, loving, laughing, finding their true path and learning life’s lessons in their own unique way.

God help me to be a mother who helps them feel free and not pushed down. A mother who instills confidence and not shame about who they are. A mother who laughs with them and takes an interest in the things they love. A mother who prays every day for them and their future, not from fear, but from an earnest desire that they are blessed.

One of the things I have learned about being a mother is that you can think you’re all prepared and have it figured out. You can feel in control and like you’ve got it ticking along about right. But there might be a possibility that you’re doing it out of rigidity and the need to be in control. So don’t be surprised if all at once your perfect parenting stops working so great anymore. That’s ok. Maybe it’s time for some flexibility. Maybe it’s time to see your children through different eyes… It doesn’t mean you’ve been a failure. It just might be time to change a few things, and that’s ok.

In love to all parents, especially mamas…

RCY