Accountability Irony

A while ago I heard someone say, “Accountability is not attack.” That landed. Hard. “Accountability is not attack.” In fact, accountability can be a doorway to some of the truest and best connection and intimacy there is.

In childhood we were held accountable by the threat of punishment. I’m not saying that was wrong. I have no opinion on that really. I have been seeing and understanding some dynamics that are in my life now, and in my husband’s life, as a result of that fact. In childhood we learn that it doesn’t work to be wrong. A child learns how to find safety for themselves. Sometimes that means taking blame for everything going on around them, even if it has nothing to do with them. A child has no way to reason with themselves and decide that “even though my mom or dad is not happy today, it has nothing to do with me”. A child will arrive at the conclusion that it is their fault, and it will register in their brain and psyche to disappear and not cause anything else that might bring on more emotional pain.

I’m going to lay out 2 different paths of accountability in childhood that are very familiar:

Child 1: Mistake or Misstep —> Accountability = Threat —> Blame/Shame —> Withdrawal/Punishment/Rejection —> Fear-based Compliance

Child 2: Mistake or Emotional Need —> Accountability = Guilt —> Internalize Blame —> Over-apologize or Overperform —> Chronic Self-sacrifice

Ok, so we learn how to behave in order to keep ourselves from pain and to keep peace in our environment as much as possible. We learn to not rock the boat. We learn respect and obedience. And we learn how to be good children. We learn a way that works, where we are safe and comfy.

Take those children forward in life. Deep into a marriage relationship, raising children of their own, business relationships, and social connections. Now we have two adults who are still operating from what they learned as a child. Still carrying that blame and guilt. Still associating accountability with threat, a place where you could be crushed. And so these adults learn to try to avoid accountability. They might be nicey-nice with no personal boundaries. The classic people-pleaser, never a disagreement. But inside they are exhausted and probably even resentful because going years and years ignoring your own cries for attention and love for yourself creates resentment. It just does. If you have resentment, please, please look further than calling it a sin and rejecting that part of you. It is trying to tell you something. You won’t find healing for it by judging it and silencing it. Neither will you find healing for it by looking outside yourself for something or someone else to make you feel better. Another way this child in an adult body might deal with the pain of accountability is to never be wrong. Defending, controlling, criticizing. Because they learned that if they themselves are ever wrong they are unworthy of love. And so their relationships are painful. They want love but aren’t willing to take responsibility. And underneath it all, they just want to know they are lovable even if they mess up.

Healthy accountability in adulthood requires us to unhook and heal these associations with accountability we have from our childhood. That is the way to leave unhealthy co-dependent patterns behind. (Co-dependency is another huge topic.) In a way, we have to “un-learn” everything about accountability that we learned in childhood, and relearn what it means as an adult. Healthy accountability looks like - staying present and learning to recognize your triggers. Owning your mistakes, but not going into shame and blame. Not carrying more than your share of the responsibility in a relationship. Not trying to make the other person into someone you can feel safe with, but learning how to feel safe with yourself first. Learning self-compassion in that we give ourselves room to mess up. Knowing we are still lovable even if we aren’t perfect. Realizing that true connection and fulfillment in relationships comes from fully showing up with all of me - the good, the bad and the ugly. If I reject part of myself because I don’t feel good enough, I won’t bring all of me to the relationship. Then whoever I am in the relationship with will not have a chance to see, touch, or love all of me, and I will feel rejected by them as well as by myself.

Let’s go back to Child 1. He/she has the opportunity in adulthood to learn accountability like this:

Honest Reflection or Need Named —> Accountability = Invitation —> Ownership/Softening —> Repair/Understanding —> Deeper Connection to self & others

You can see the difference here. In order to take this path, we need to arrest the situation at the point where the trigger happens. Right at the accountability part. Accountability used to mean a threat. That will be what this person is automatically going to feel. Stop, breathe. You are safe. Ok, now this can turn into an invitation. An invitation to connection and repair and love. Hard, so hard, to keep from being taken over by a trigger.

Now for Child 2: This is his/her opportunity:

Truth Emerges or Boundary Needed —> Accountability = Self-honoring —> Healthy Ownership (without self-erasure) —> Empowered Expression —> Mutual Respect and Wholeness

Again, arrest the situation at the trigger. To this person, automatic would be to go into the disappearing act at accountability. To freeze or hide and pull out the people-pleasing skills. But you see how this turns it into self-honoring. Very scary because it feels like they are setting themselves up for slaughter. But if he/she has the courage to be seen without having to be perfect, connection can be born.

This is only a small, small part from a small, small perspective on this huge, huge topic. But I see this in myself, those close to me, and in my work so much. It makes me wonder - how can we handle accountability in a healthy way from childhood on? How can we not associate such shame with it to where in invokes the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and causes such stress in the nervous system? How can we know we are safe in accountability and not make it about right versus wrong & me versus you? How can we love to know the truth about each situation that we just want to know what that is without feeling the stress and threat of being rejected if we don’t have everything right? More questions than answers here…

Would love to hear your thoughts and your experiences…

RCY